We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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