Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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