Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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