FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
