I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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