He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
