some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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