He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize