if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
