She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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