U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
