You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
