i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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