remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
