Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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