It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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