Plan B is the new Plan A
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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