I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
