sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
