Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
