maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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