Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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