omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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