There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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