when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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