Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
