Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
