guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
