I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I smell like Dick and happiness
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
