so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
