i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
