I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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