Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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