I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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