She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
