9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
