apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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