I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
