I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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