apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
