so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize