look no pants
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
