mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
