i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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