He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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