Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
