The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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