i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize