I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
