Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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