textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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