mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
