My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
