I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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