I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
