My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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