I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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