Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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