You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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