we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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