she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
MIDGETS
????
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
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