Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
this boner is exhausting
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
