Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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