I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize