New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
