i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
