Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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